More Eechi Than Thou:
A Primer to Sailor Moon Hentai.

By Meara

For many years I avoided reading anything that was called a “lemon”, “eechi” or “hentai”. Then I saw a truly wonderful piece of work called “The Nocturnal Tour”, by Lord Chaos. The ultimate vampire tale done within the Sailor Moon universe, it’s a story I recommend to people with the caveat that it has just about every kind of sex under the sun. You get not only men with women, but men with men, women with women, the living with the undead and even Ami with Minako-The-Demon-Cat. If anyone else had written it, I probably would have passed, but Chaos has a long, rich history of well written, twisted tales that are as absorbing as they are convoluted. I read the story and had to admit that it was utterly brilliant.

His Lordship was kind enough to let me know that he’d put this story together in order to the address the vacuum-sucking dearth of good hentai stories. Yes, it is hentai and eechi in places, but there’s a solid storyline that makes the sexual escapades a vital part of the tale. That got me to thinking that perhaps my own prejudices were making me damn a whole genre unduly.

I girded my loins and tried to work my way through the hentai library at A Sailor Moon Romance, figuring that I shouldn’t make assumptions without doing my research. To no surprise I found that the genre does indeed suffer from all the same problems as the rest of the fan-fiction world. The works of people such as (but not limited to) The Yarnspinner, Hopeless Romantic, Tony Stanton, Sailor Mac and the ever-insane hentai adventures of Lord Chaos and Friends, actually have a plot line. Sadly, there are many, many more stories by others that are little more than excuses for sex in excruciating detail. Hentai stories can have the added insult of not only being truly dreadful, they can scale new heights of tastelessness at the same time, thus offending you on multiple levels.

I noticed that the worst offenders liked to recycle the same story ideas over and over. These ideas were bad to begin with and repeated use doesn’t make them get any better. A favorite is that Mamoru rapes Usagi (or another of the Inners). The Senshi all take turns beating him into a small puddle of goo. He ends up deader than vaudeville (but Usagi is conveniently pregnant so Chibi-Usa can be born) much to everyone’s delight. The joy of offing the never-to-be Neo-King is so liberating that they the Senshi have group sex to celebrate. That brings me to the first item on my hit parade of over-used hentai themes.

The Senshi are all closet lesbians who can’t wait to have hot, noisy, monkey love with each: Who knew that after spending five seasons pining over Mamoru, Usagi true love would turn out to be Rei? Rei, you see, has been secretly having wet-dreams about the Moon Princess for years. Not to be outdone, Makoto wants Minako, or Ami, or both at the same time. But all turns out for the best as we discover that Mamoru doesn’t mind. He’s very happy to share his love-bunny with anyone who wants to join in the fun. It’s group sex at it’s best as we find out that Tuxedo Kamen will forgive just about anything as long as he gets to watch!

Not that Mamoru is lacking for bizarre partners himself. Motoki wants his princely body, too, as do all of the Generals from the Dark Kingdom. Fiore from the “R” movie shows up a quite a bit wanting to give Tuxedo Kamen a whole hell of a lot more than flowers. Aliens in general are a favorite topic for many authors. That brings me to number two on my truly bad ideas list.

Tentacles! If one is good then more are better: Can you say Freudian imagery? I suspect that this type of hentai story tends to be written by boys/men with too much time on their hands and, no doubt, hair on their palms. No matter where it starts, the Senshi ends up having her fuku ripped off by the multi-digited monstrosity. The author is never satisfied with just raping the Senshi of the choice the traditional way. He has to have them invaded in every orifice I can think of but the ear canal. The kicker is that the victim invariably ends up enjoying the rape and begs the Youma for more. My version of these stories would go something like this:

After having ripped off Rei’s clothes the Youma is bitterly disappointed to discover that Sailor Mars is wearing underwear. He is so totally and utterly traumatized by this that the monster actually stops the sexual escapades for a moment. Since all of his brains are in his many tentacles, the Youma didn’t take into consideration the fact that removing Sailor Mars fuku does nothing to diminish her power. While he’s busy staring her Maidenform bra and panties, Rei takes advantage of his lack of focus to fry the bugger. Calamari anyone?

Haruka and Michiru aren’t really lesbians! They wake up one morning and discover that the heterosexual fairy has paid them a visit the night before. Miraculously “cured” of the scourge of lesbianism, they decide that making love to each other and swearing undying devotion was just a youthful indiscretion. Haruka is overcome by the urge to subscribe to “Martha Stewart Magazine” and learn to make planters out of her motorcycle. This particular type of story usually takes one of two routes.

Michiru ends up with some here-to unknown studly male (can you say “author avatar”? I knew you could…). He gives her a smile that is so hot that it makes her forget about all that lesbian nonsense and hop into bed with him. He’s the best she’s ever had and one whiff of his testosterone-rich and manly scent has Michiru his love toy for life.

Haruka falls for one of the Starlights – the male Star lights - and they end up having torrid sex. The people who write these stories seem to have forgotten or overlook the fact that the Starlights are men who morph into women. (I could at least understand the attraction if Haruka was hot for Fighter – not Seiya. After all Sailor Star Fighter runs around wearing those tight, leather shorts and a bra from the “Xena” collection.) Never mind the fact that Uranus and Neptune spend most of the Stars Arc trying to keep Usagi away from Seiya and crew because they are from another star system.

Am I really asking for too much in expecting that characters should have logical reasons for doing the things they do? The idea that Usagi likes to don dominatrix wear, kidnap her friends and have kinky sex with them is something of a reach. I don’t care if you have Mamoru and Usagi, or Haruka and Michiru for that matter, hanging by a trapeze and using whipped cream on each other – just make sure that you stay in character, please! Writing a story where you can easily change the names Usagi and Mamoru to Rocky and Bullwinkle (and the reader wouldn’t really notice) is not a good thing.

To assist you in navigating the maze of Hentai fan-fiction, I’ve come up with Meara’s scale for “adult” stories. If you decide you still want to take the plunge and see what hentai stories are all about, you may find this useful. You may also find it useful to have a bottle of nice, chilled blush wine or some other legal anesthesia on hand when you start reading. Here are a few terms you’ll run into and what they really mean.

Sekkushiaru: Two people in a committed relationship make love. Pleasure is given and received along with various bodily fluids. You can find more lurid novels in the “romance” section of any Barnes and Noble bookstore.

Lemon: Two or more consenting adults having sex. The descriptions are quite vivid, but still use the anatomically correct names for the parts of the body that make us male or female. You’ll find that the level of “noise” (screaming your lover’s name or just shouting “yeeessss!” loud enough to break glass) goes up quite a bit.

Hentai: Men with men, women with women and in vivid detail that only occasionally uses the correct anatomical terms. Words like “throbbing”, “dripping” and “gushing” show up a lot in these stories. You begin to wonder how any woman can make it through the day with a single set of underwear.

Eechi: Men with men, women with women, and men with women, animals, aliens, potted plants or anything else that will stand still long enough to serve the purpose – and sometimes all at once. You get bonus points in this kind of story if your female victim is set on by a monster with more tentacles than Baskin-Robbins has ice-cream flavors. Out of the 3000 words in the story, 2998 of them are used to describe sex in increasingly bizarre terms.

Well, that’s my rant on the world of Sailor Moon hentai fan-fiction. The good news is that the doctors say that my eyes have not been permanently scarred by what I saw. My psyche is another matter. I must say that getting all of this off my chest (or as most hentai stories would call them my “pert, quivering, little breasts”) does make me feel somewhat better. However, there is one question that all my research was unable to answer. Just how many euphemisms are there for “penis”, anyway? On second thought, I take that back. If by some chance, you do find out, I’ve decided that I really don’t want to know.