Humble Pie Never Tasted So Good.
Wow, guys. All this time… I’ve been wrong. There’s a whole list of things that I try to encourage newbie fic writers not to do and then I find out… that it was all for naught. Thank you, Live Action Sailor Moon for rewriting the canon. You have humbled me.
And so… a list of corrections:
-Please create your own new senshi. Obviously, anything related to Star Seeds/Sailor Crystals is now void. Thank you, Sailor Luna. While we’re at it, please feel free to write about Tuxedo Artemis. It is, after all, only fair.
-Moon Cats may now be plushies.
-Moon Cats may now turn into small children.
-Evil Senshi: The more, the merrier!
-Shitennou/Senshi romances are now okay! Ami and Nephrite SO want each other. And all the rest want Endymion.
-Mamoru/Motoki is no longer the hot slash couple of the year. That title belongs to Rei and Minako.
-Motoki gets some senshi loving. Heck with Reika! Mako-chan finally gets some!
-Love the turtle. Worship the turtle. And then please write Motoki LOVING the turtle.
-Power Ups: A necessary part in every senshi fight scene!
-Usagi really DOES have a split personality after all!
-When your senshi attempts to catch a villain, impersonating an airplane lets her move faster.
-Sailor V! More Sailor V!
-Minako is an uber-bitch and don’t you forget it.
-The girls like to playfully smack each other on the ass a lot. Feel free to write that in.
-Use more extraneous descriptions of Sailor fuku’s. The busier the fuku, the better. Extra lace and pearls is a plus.
-Usagi may now be written as “USAGI! THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!”
-Please include many pointless scenes in your fics that feature Mio doing nothing except randomly acting crazy!
-Insert scenes where Queen Beryl bribes the shitennou with sex.
-Because it bears reiteration: More. Ass. Smacking.
-While in senshi form, it is okay for the senshi to refer to each other by first name… even when they are in public.
-Do not have the girls fight the youma. Have them dance at the youma.
-Mamoru: Maybe not so gay after all. Then again….
-Senshi do not recover from their injuries. From now on, when knocked to the ground, they must be written as being forced to grasp their chest and gasp painfully.
-When writing an action sequence, you should note that Sailor Moon does NOT explode the youma. She explodes the scenery.
-Wigs. Get used to it.
-Karaoke. Get used to it.
-Ikuko may now be written as a wacky, crazy lady. Papa Tsukino no longer exists.
-Kill your senshi off as often as you please! It is not in the least bit tacky to give your main characters life-threatening diseases just because you can!
-Over half of the teenaged female population of Tokyo is in the idol industry. Feel free to use that when writing your new, original senshi.
-Usagi’s split personality is the ultimate evil. She is also a selfish bitch of DOOM.
-Evil likes feathers. Lots.
Ave Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon! You are truly the best really bad fanfic ever written!
Screencaps courtesy of A Soldier's Effigy