Humble Pie Never Tasted So Good.

Wow, guys. All this time… I’ve been wrong. There’s a whole list of things that I try to encourage newbie fic writers not to do and then I find out… that it was all for naught. Thank you, Live Action Sailor Moon for rewriting the canon. You have humbled me.

And so… a list of corrections:

-Please create your own new senshi. Obviously, anything related to Star Seeds/Sailor Crystals is now void. Thank you, Sailor Luna. While we’re at it, please feel free to write about Tuxedo Artemis. It is, after all, only fair.

-Moon Cats may now be plushies.

-Moon Cats may now turn into small children.

-Evil Senshi: The more, the merrier!

-Shitennou/Senshi romances are now okay! Ami and Nephrite SO want each other. And all the rest want Endymion.

-Mamoru/Motoki is no longer the hot slash couple of the year. That title belongs to Rei and Minako.

-Motoki gets some senshi loving. Heck with Reika! Mako-chan finally gets some!

-Love the turtle. Worship the turtle. And then please write Motoki LOVING the turtle.

-Power Ups: A necessary part in every senshi fight scene!

-Usagi really DOES have a split personality after all!

-When your senshi attempts to catch a villain, impersonating an airplane lets her move faster.

-Sailor V! More Sailor V!

-Minako is an uber-bitch and don’t you forget it.

-Lesbianism. Everywhere.

-The girls like to playfully smack each other on the ass a lot. Feel free to write that in.

-Use more extraneous descriptions of Sailor fuku’s. The busier the fuku, the better. Extra lace and pearls is a plus.

-Usagi may now be written as “USAGI! THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!”

-Please include many pointless scenes in your fics that feature Mio doing nothing except randomly acting crazy!

-Insert scenes where Queen Beryl bribes the shitennou with sex.

-Because it bears reiteration: More. Ass. Smacking.

-While in senshi form, it is okay for the senshi to refer to each other by first name… even when they are in public.

-Do not have the girls fight the youma. Have them dance at the youma.

-Mamoru: Maybe not so gay after all. Then again….

-Senshi do not recover from their injuries. From now on, when knocked to the ground, they must be written as being forced to grasp their chest and gasp painfully.

-When writing an action sequence, you should note that Sailor Moon does NOT explode the youma. She explodes the scenery.

-Wigs. Get used to it.

-Karaoke. Get used to it.

-Ikuko may now be written as a wacky, crazy lady. Papa Tsukino no longer exists.

-Kill your senshi off as often as you please! It is not in the least bit tacky to give your main characters life-threatening diseases just because you can!

-Over half of the teenaged female population of Tokyo is in the idol industry. Feel free to use that when writing your new, original senshi.

-Usagi’s split personality is the ultimate evil. She is also a selfish bitch of DOOM.

-Evil likes feathers. Lots.

Ave Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon! You are truly the best really bad fanfic ever written!

Screencaps courtesy of A Soldier's Effigy

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