To Rebut or NOT to Rebut?
A Guide to Shooting Down Idiots by Jen

All right people, let's offer up the theoretical situation that you've done something that will really piss stupid people off (i.e., the Fic Bitch's website or an unhappily ever after-type ending to a fanfic) and, as a result, you garner hate mail. Wonderful, glorious hate mail, which once again confirms that there are too many idiots with excess time on their hands in this fine world. And there is NOTHING more fun than provoking them, trust me. You get astonishing bastardizations of the English language like "Wot eva!" out of it. I highly recommend trying it some time; it's a great stress reliever.

Well, you get all of this lovely venom spat at you by people whose IQs match their shoe size, but what do you do with it? If you're a reasonable, mature person, you laugh it off. If you're cruel, you show it off your friends (this is only if you have any, mind you!) and keep it as a badge of honor (I can think of none better for a job well done). After all, you earned it! But if you're a bitch (or you just like rubbing salt in a wound), you write a rebuttal.

Now, a really good rebuttal to rabid hate mail requires a mental capacity that is somewhat higher than my pet rock, so if you're not certain you fall under that category, stop reading now. You probably already have because of all the big words anyways (you know, like 'it' and 'you'), but just in case you're looking for pictures or something, there aren't any.

A true rebuttal will be a sugarcoated, strychnine-laced response to a hate mail. Do this only if you REALLY can't resist. If you're not careful, you'll end up in an insult war with a twelve-year-old N'SYNC worshipper with the intelligence of said pet rock.

Part I: Learn the Rules

1. See Megan's guide to hate mail? Chuck it out the window. While an invaluable resource in its own right, this is a whole other ballpark. [Okay. While I understand the sentiment, there shall be NO chucking of MY material's whilst on my website. If you need to see my mad flame-responding skillz, just ask. I either make converts out of them or make them feel so stupid for flaming me that they apologize and beg for mercy. BEWARE! - The Bitch]

2. Insults should be made in the most caustic, condescending manner as possible. This person is not worthy to lick the grime off your shoes, people. Treat him or her as such.

3. Mock specific parts of the letter. For example, if the person who writes the letter (hereby referred to as 'The Idiot') calls you a loser, reply that if you The Idiot's definition of a loser, then you will happily accept that title.

4. Systematically break down every (any?) reasons that they

5. Make your English teacher proud. Pull out your thesaurus and use words The Idiot will never have heard of. Your rebuttal should be as bombastic (verbose to the point of pretension for any stupid people still reading) as humanly conceivable. Talking around people makes them REALLY angry. And then they write you even better letters! It should be your goal never to use the same big word more than once in a letter. There're over half a million words in the English language alone, so it shouldn't be that difficult. Bonus points for any catty comments in another language--don't give translations and make sure they're perfect.

6. Casual swearing is permitted but should be generally limited. For example, telling The Idiot you don't give a flying fuck what they say once is harsh yet remains dismissive. There are so many better descriptive words out there, why use the same ten or so?

7. NEVER show any anger or remorse. The Idiot might think they're wearing you down or something horrible like that. Besides, what kind of pussy are you if you actually bend to the whims of The Idiot?

8. Vainglorious drivel is not only allowed, but encouraged. Don't be afraid to remind The Idiot that you are better than they are.

9. If The Idiot has ever written any fanfiction, you have my permission to ridicule it. Do this systematically and very thoroughly. Leave no stone unturned and make a big deal out of everything. Double points if you catch all the grammar mistakes. Triple points if you offer a link to your own fics!

10. If you know anything about The Idiot's personal life and tastes, I heartily recommend also mocking these to excess. Recommended sources of emotional degradation: music/movie tastes, heroes, appearance, personality, political opinions, age, etc.*

11. Do NOT allow a single typo to slip through the cracks! Anything less than perfection will give The Idiot fuel for their fire. I suggest going through The Idiot's letter and making certain to point out every little grammatical and structural mistake he or she made, however.

12. Sign your fic as pompously as humanly possible. Be dismissive and deliberately disregard any threats they have sent you.

13. If your Idiot responds (Oh happy day!), you may write once more, but this time be completely callous and flippant. "Go away little boy, you bother me," is an excellent way of getting your point across. But if the Idiot responds again, DO NOT REPLY, no matter HOW tempted you are. At that point, you're in an insult war with a twelve-year-old. And who always wins insult wars with twelve-year-olds?
The twelve-year-old! Crazy as it sounds, it's true. Even if you are vastly older and intellectually superior than the twelve-year-old is, they will win on two principles: a) They have much more stamina for this, and b) No matter what you do, you will never crush their spirit. They are so stupid, they will not realize when they've been outwitted. Trust me on this one. Or if you don't, you can borrow my twelve-year-old sister. Besides, then you have to deal with the humiliating fact that a twelve-year-old is your sparring mate.

Part II: Learn by Example

Lately I was privileged enough to receive my own piece of hate mail. Granted, I did rather a lot to provoke it (it's so hard to get good hate mail these days unless you insult really popular people in public forums or other such extreme measures), but at least it's all mine. In this particular case, I responded to Princess Destiny's announcement that she was leaving the fanfiction world due to a recent bad review she had received. You may read my response at http://www.fanfiction.net/reviews.php?storyid=274345 if you're interested, or simply take my word that it cut straight to the heart of the matter. At any rate, I received the following response from a psychotic teenybopper calling themselves 'Someone who DOES care!':

Yo Jen! Why don't u just shut up! u say it was probably constructive critcism...WOTEVA! constructive criticism doesnt completely bring down the author ok! Why don't u do us all a favour and just go and crawl back under woteva whole u came from and spare us ur diluded ideas. and to b perfectly honest, i think Pd here is one of the best fanfic writers around and i'd like to see you try wot shes done and u know wot? I bet u couldn't even do nearly HALF as good as shes done. Take a look around honey, can u read? coz u obviously cant otherwise u'd see how much all these ppl LUV her fics! AS for someone who mayb seeking sympathy, i think she deserves that sympathy after bein put down and insulted so badly and needlessly! Wot planet are u from anywayz? Why don't u get ur facts straight and get a life b4 u go randomly putting people down! Basically, grow up loser!
P.S PD!? U rock^_^

In the interest of submitting a rebuttal, I decided public humiliation would be far more interesting than anything I sent her privately. Besides, the little tramp didn't leave an address, so I'm going to make her into a paragon. I'd put money down on the fact that she wouldn't even know what that meant.

But the insults are supposed to be in the letter (really, she made this too easy for me though!). Now, do we have a 500 lb dictionary on hand? Ah, here we are. A thesaurus is nice too. I like the little thesaurus option Microsoft Office 2000 gives me, too.

Now, we go through the steps . . . shred the letter, knock down all the arguments, insert big words, add caustic tone, comment on lack of proper grammar, add link to fanfics . . . the result is something like this:

To Someone Who Does Care (though why I have no idea):

Congratulations! You have reaffirmed why I have no faith in humanity. Your atrociously mind-numbing letter caused the intelligence of everyone who read your letter to drop by about 20 points. That would be if they could actually READ what you were saying, seeing as your spelling and grammar are so extraordinarily atrocious you make the great masters of English literature do somersaults in their respective graves. People like yourself are the reason the Darwin awards exist: because such immense inanity is a danger to mankind that far outstrips terrorism. I'll bet you would've voted for George W. Bush (idiot extraordinaire) had you not been holed up in your room, listening to the Backside Boys croon incessantly (and off-key) while crying because you have no friends, no life, and no brains whatsoever.

Quantity does not constitute quality. If Princess Destiny's fans are all like you, then I will get down on my knees and pray to the Divine Stars above that I am not one of them. And if I am your definition of a loser, it is a title I will wear proudly until that fateful day on which we will all be judged and you will be judged too stupid to go to Heaven because you might infect it with Britney Spear's wretched influence or the like. Basically, I don't give a flying fuck what you think because you are nothing but another sheep in a cesspool of aggrandized corruption.

As you can tell, I am of a finer mettle. You may read my fanfiction at http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=56904 and see for yourself.
Sincerely,
Someone Who REALLY Doesn't

Okay, it was a little harsh. But I'm pretty extreme, so when I do stuff like this I go all out. Most people have a little thing called 'restraint' that keeps them from experiencing the joy of total emotional vindictiveness. Never be afraid to truly destroy someone, though. Knowing you held back will sour your victory.

Now that you have this information, I suggest practicing. To do that, you'll need a good supply of hate mail. You can always practice on someone else's (there are tons of people out there who are hogging all the bad vibes and will be happy to pass them along), or create your own. There are plenty of ways to piss stupid people off.

My work here is done. Happy battering!

*The author of this guide does NOT condone ridiculing ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or religion (unless The Idiot is some sort of right-wing Jesus freak. Then go ahead...and give 'em Hell for me). If she hears anyone does this after reading this piece, she will drop kick them off the side of a building. And she is NOT kidding about this. That's not cool, people. I mean it

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