The Chiba Family Reunion: A Circles of Time Travesty

It was a lovely day in Crystal Tokyo. The sun was shining. The birds were singing. And inside of the Crystal Palace, one Neo-Queen, one Neo-King, two sailor senshi, and a princess were partaking of a great feast. You see, this was not just any day in Crystal Tokyo, but what was to hopefully become the first of a great many “Chiba Family Reunions” and this wasn’t just any continuity, either. Oh, no! We have entered the dimension of the most evil alternate universe ever: Circles of Time!

Yes. I know. You’re scared. I am, too.

Serenity: *Ahem*! I would like to take the time to thank both Hotaru and Setsuna for showing up today. We all know how important family is to my Mamo-chan. In fact, it is so important that, apparently, it causes him to feel the need to sleep around with whichever of my friends is closest whenever his masculinity feels threatened.

Endymion: Usako...

Serenity: Shut up, little man. You’ve worn the pants in this family for far too long.... Anyway, as I was saying, I hope that from now on we shall all continue to share in this blessed tradition for many years to come. Dig in.

And at that, Neo-Queen Serenity began to scarf down her food in such a manner that would give a pig indigestion, but not before taking the time to lick the back of her hand and groom herself appropriately.

Setsuna, who—for some reason that no one could discern—was feeling just a tad uncomfortable with the whole situation. After all, she just found out that the father of her child was her father! Hotaru’s mother was her sister and her father was her grandfather! Sometimes, I think it’s a shame that Jerry Springer never survived The Freeze, she thought. They could book the entire royal family right after the “Trailer Park Trash Makeovers” and “I’m in love with my Horse.” Heck, Chibi-Usa could get a double billing right there!

Besides, was it her imagination or was Serenity sending her death threats written on napkins with old ketchup?

Chibi-Usa, glad to not be the youngest person in the room, for once in her very short life, looked over to Hotaru who appeared to be happily contenting herself with putting her peas up her nose. For some reason, she felt that Hotaru’s past incarnation was somewhat more intelligent than she appeared to be...

Chibi-Usa: So, Hotaru-chan, how do you like the palace so far?

Hotaru: [blinks]

Chibi-Usa: Um, yes, well... it’s awfully big. I bet you didn’t get a chance to see it all, yet. Would you like me to take you on a tour?

Hotaru: [points to the chandelier] Kittie!

Chibi-Usa: ^^;;; Um... no.... Uh that’s a chandelier, Hotaru-chan.

Hotaru: [blinks and this time looks questionably at Chibi-Usa] Kittie?

Chibi-Usa: Meow? [Wait just one cotton-picking minute. Where did *that* come from?]

Hotaru, not having gotten the intellectual stimulation that she required from Chibi-Usa returned to shoving her food up her nose. They just seemed to smell so much *better* when they were closer to her nostrils....

Setsuna: Now, Hotaru-chan... what did I tell you about sticking things up your nose? Remember what happened the last time? We had to get the doctor to remove *three* crayons...

This family reunion was, obviously, not going as well as initially planned. They needed a distraction and they needed one fast.

Distraction, thy name is Ami.

“Serenity! I finally finished the device!” the blue-haired harlot exclaimed as she burst through the dining hall doors and subsequently slipped on a puddle of ketchup that mysteriously was located right next to the Neo-Queen.

“You know, for the Crystal Palace dining room, one would imagine that it would better obey the Crystal Tokyo health codes,” she mumbled.

“You have the devices, Ami-chan?”

“Hai! No one will sleep with your husband except for you EVER AGAIN! You see... Endymion-sama wears this transmitter while every other female in the palace except for you wears a similar one. The two signals should react within a few feet of each other and emit a high-pitched squeal, keeping Endymion away from any and all women that aren’t you!”

Serenity: Hallelujah! Now I can finally keep my husband on the straight and narrow...

Endymion: Usako? Do you really think this is necessary? I mean, I can’t vouch for the first time but the second time I was more drunk than Olaf the Lush that sleeps under the old Tokyo Tower. You know that I only love you...

Serenity: No. Over the years I’ve had to put up with you getting brainwashed by various slutty villainesses and dying and sleeping with my best friends and I’m making sure that it never happens again. [A pause.] Here, Chibi-Usa. You put this on.

Endymion: Chibi-Usa? You won’t let me get close to my own daughter?!?!?

Serenity: Well, I’m sorry, Mamo-chan, but it’s not like that has ever stopped you BEFORE.

And here, a pointed look was directed at Setsuna and Mamoru blanched.

Serenity: After all... look at poor Hotaru-chan, here. Poor girl... the senshi of destruction. She can destroy the whole world with three simple words.... Or she could if she could PRONOUNCE them! And she’s 15 years old!

Endymion: ^^;;; A- ano....

Serenity: Besides, we all know that Chibi-Usa wants you. I never used to want to believe in Freud’s theories about Elektra complexes and all that, but this is ridiculous....

Endymion: Oh YEAH? Well, MAYBE if your father weren’t a cat, Chibi-Usa wouldn’t be head over heels with that horse!

Serenity: I cannot vouch for my mother’s taste in men.

Setsuna: Maybe Hotaru and I better go...

Endymion and Serenity: NO!

And that was the first and last ever Chiba Family Reunion. And people wonder why Setsuna was assigned to the Time Gate....


Note: This entire little skit was inspired by an odd email conversation I had with Meara. Blame her.