XXX-Overs!

And now on to the crossover of porn! 9-Ball Dreams by Mr Jazz.

This fic combines the wonder and joy of Sailor Moon with the movies The Hustler and The Color of Money. These are both movie classics and deserve watching the next time they’re on AMC or TMC or some other movie classics station that plays more and more films that fail to qualify as a classic.

As we begin our fic, Ami had a less than perfect day as she scored only a mere 99% on an exam and some kids picked on her. (That’s okay. It just gave Lita an excuse to beat people up in retaliation.) As the two girls headed to the Crown arcade and fruit parlour, they had a fun conversation about how Ami needs to stand up for herself more. A conversation that will not at ALL prove to be motivational for the rest of the series.

Incidentally, this is the second fic I did for this site that was all Mercury/Jupiter YAYE! Funny that.

Anyway, Ami would really rather if Lita stopped beating people up. (This would make her the only one. Violence is AWESOME!)

That was when they noticed it. A crowd had formed in across the street from the crown in front of a brand new billiards parlor and two crazy dudes – who looked suspiciously like a young Tom Cruise even though he insists on calling himself “Vincent” and a Paul Newman who was taking a vacation from making tasty salad dressings - were having a show down.

RAP OFF!

Or, well, actually… they were playing traditional 9-Ball pool. Which upsets me. I wanted a rap off. There is no greater test of skill than competitive fresh, mad rhymes. Failing that, a break dance battle would have been the shit.

Ami had always dismissed the game as a mere example of simple physics and geometry, but now, as she saw the crowd cheering as the two men slammed the balls into the pockets in a race for the nine, something captivated her.

Upon the conclusion of the game, Paul Newman gave a rollicking speech and invited the entire crowd to play billiards for FREE at Phelson’s Billiards!

Hell, I don’t know about you, but I’m a sucker for free crap. Free T-Shirts. Free golf clubs. Free salad dressings. You name it. Ami and Lita obviously are, too, as they cheered and went, “Yay, free gaming, omg!” and with a chant of “I WILL PWNZ0R J00 4||!” they rushed inside.

And proceeded to bore me with weird pool statistics. Wow, that’s a lot of stuff about brands of pool cues that I didn’t care about.

Um, where was I?

Oh, yes, turns out that Lita sucks but Ami kicks massive pool ass. And she does this using only THE POWER OF PHYSICS!

Hear that, kids? Go to school. Learn to play pool. Win lots of money.

Anyway, this attracts the attention of TOM CRUISE. Ami melts a little. Tom asks if maybe she wanted to come by the next day so that he can give her “private lessons” and also if maybe he can start calling her “Katie”.

We all know where this is going. To the Scientology Center!

The following day, Ami arrives at what is now an empty pool hall. Tom Cruise takes her into a back room and bestows a precious gift to her: a pool cue. “Take this and think of my cock,” he says in my head. What he actually says is something about discovering her true talent and I, as a reader, keep thinking, “COME ON LINE!”

I mean, this is kinda skeevy. He’s Tom Cruise. EW.

The lessons start and then…

Vince's mouth dropped, and then his eyes sparkled. "Hold on, you're Ami as in genius and international Chess grandmaster Ami Andersen?"

Ami nodded. Vince looked like he was about to praise God.

"Holy shit! I've always wanted to meet you. I had a brief Chess career before I started playing 9-Ball. My FIDE rating got up to around 1890 before I quit playing."

Yes, that’s right. Tom Cruise is FANGIRLing Sailor Mercury. Also, at some point, Ami played competitive professional chess. I had no idea. You know, you can do some really kinky things with chess pieces.

I’m just saying.

Anyway, Ami does the old trick of “oops, I have dropped this really nice pool ball. I must now bend over and flash you my panties. Would you like to have sex on the floor or on the pool table?” And then Tom Cruise is all, like, “I prefer the pool table… how do you feel about scientology?” And then Ami is all, “I’m a pagan but I enjoy L. Ron Hubbard’s fiction. Maybe we can work out the details later.” And Tom Cruise says, “Next week. You. Me. Scientology center. My favorite brainwashing technician.” And she’s all, “Okay, just fuck me.”

And like the rabid bunnies of Xenu that they are, they fuck and fuck and fuck some more.

Meanwhile… back at the ranch… or Mina and Serena’s… car? Wait a minute. How old are these kids in this fic? I mean, Ami just had an exam and Lita beat some kids and yet there’s driving?

Sheesh.

Anyway, Mina and Serena were... driving... along when they suddenly felt “the 'love' shockwave that all the Sailors felt when someone got lucky.” Voyeurs. Serena, being a blatant busy-body that apparently cannot mind her own business decides to be VERY RUDE and call all of her friends - including her DAUGHTER - so that she can tell who’s getting sex while not at all realizing that any sane person getting sex would not stop their sex for a phone call and if they did, SOMEONE was ending up in the doghouse later that night.

Ami, however, defies all common sense and manages to answer the phone without actually stopping the sex. She’s not very conversational, but Serena manages to hear enough of the show to be very turned on by it.

Serena was beside herself. She began soaking her panties with love juices right there and immediately hung up, but it was too late. Mina had smelled it, and began to drive like a mad-woman to get home so that she and Serena could make love.

Back in the den of love, Ami and “Vince” have a fun conversation about pretenses and how Ami really would like to learn pool.

"You are getting a pool lesson. You playing a game that involves pushing balls into a hole using a long hard straight thing," Vince replied, then went back to sucking and licking Ami's pussy.

Couldn’t have said it better, myself, Tom Cruise! Except your tongue is neither long nor hard. But then the real sex happens and you realize that you've had a whole five short paragraphs of porn. Oh, whoop-de-doo. It feels like a waste of a contrived sexual situation to me.

Oddly enough, a little later, when Ami makes the gloating phone call to Lita, Lita seems shocked that Ami and “Vince” had sex. Which surprises me because I thought there was some sort of sex shockwave. Lita is, in fact, horrified that Ami would ever do such a thing as we all know that Tom Cruise is gay.

Okay, no, actually it’s because Tom Cruise could have, gasp, AIDS! Yet she fails to ask if Ami used a condom. Go fig.

Then, for no discernable reason whatsoever, Lita’s boyfriend, Ken, decides to play some pool. And he wins 3000 dollars from Tom Cruise by kicking Tom Cruise’s ass. Turns out that Ken learned pool from this chick he slept with while in LA named, get this, “Michelle Yo”.

Please, feel free to cringe now. Go ahead.

Hollywood namedropping. MISSPELLED Hollywood namedropping. So wrong.

Naturally, “Vincent” has had his pride hurt. And gasp and shock, Ami learns that the Tom Cruisey love of her life is nothing other than a HUSTLER! GASP! NO!

And sure enough, so is Paul Newman. A Paul Newman who is now trying to win back all the money that Ken had taken from “Vince”. But Ami will have none of it. She’ll play Paul Newman. It’s going down!

How’s that? It’s porn but it has dramatic tension. Oooh. Aaah. It’s almost like it’s trying to have a plot but not quite succeeding. Not that anything could beat out mind controlling spiders, anyway.

And suddenly… in part 2… it’s five years later. Turns out that Ami got her ass kicked and she is now a hollow shell of a girl. It is a grim future where a new king controls the new, sex-less land and only one man, no, one MACHIN…

Erm, yeah.

Actually, Ami had decided to open up her own pool hall/brothel to compete with Phelson’s.

Obviously, her defeat haunts her. So much for that bright and shining career in medicine. Or, you know, as one of Serenity’s elite. She LOST AT POOL! DESTINY IS OVER! Nevertheless, all of Ami’s friends help her out and to show her appreciation, Ami gives everyone big smoochies even though we’re specifically told that Ami is straight.

Then there’s a rematch and Ami and Lita get it on. (Yes, Ami is straight. Yes, she is having sex with Lita. Lita, apparently, IS A MAN, BABY!) This sex is not at all graphic. All this non-graphic sex in the hentai site bugs me. If I want hentai, I was squirting love juices or something. I, however, have audio which I am willing to share with you all on account of how lame chapter the second was.

“OH! OH MY GOD!”

“Can I put this pool cue here?”

”YES! IT FEELS SO GOOD!”

“Oh, yeah! NINE BALL IN THE CENTER POCKET!”

“OMGWTFBBQ!”

The end.

God. I don't know what's worse. Boring porn or the overly grotesque porn.

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