His lordship Chaos presents: a "Bad Fic No Biscuit" production. A/N: so like this is my first attempt at writing something really crappy, so it's probably not going to be really good but if you want pls read it anyways and email me and maybe then I'll write another chapter of it, k? OMGWTFBBQ?!?!?!1 (aka "The Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Fic") Usagi woke up late again as usual. "Waaaaah! I'm sooooo late!" she scremaed as she flung herslef out of bed. "Why didn't someone wake me up?!" She ran ouyt of the house with a piece of toast in her mouth as she tried to button up her top. Luna was running beside her. "You should have woke me up, Luna!" Usagi wailed. "Why didn't you?" "I did!" the talking black cat said. "You just rolled over and nearly crushed me!" They argued like that for the entire trip to Juuban school, where Usagi met up with all her friends and Scouts: Ami, Raye, Makoto and Minako. They all secretly dressed up at night in sailor outfits and fought evil to protect the world. They also spent a lot of time looking for boyfriends, but so far only Usagi had been lucky. She ahd Darien. They spent a lot of time cuddling together and kissing—when they weren't fighting monsters of course. Today everyone at school was talking about the new person who had mysteriously appeared that morning. When Usagi asked about it, Ami looked away from her book on "advanced quantum physics and theoretical probabilities of time-space dimensions" and explained it too her. There was as new transfer student coming into her class. His name was Travis Tranquility, and he came from the States, since we all know that the best things come from there. He had actually gone to Hogwarts and graduated in two years, since he was so good at everything and had become a full sorcerer master before turning 13. And he was like actually Usagi's older brother from the Sliver Millennium, but she didn't know that yet, but he still had all his memories from then. He was also in love with Raye. They had been lovers during the Silver Millemium, but now Raye had lost all those memories and thought he was just a good looking, sexy guy. He was dressed in a Happatai shirt, a cool black leaether jacket and faded jeans, with Nike shoes and a tattoo on his shoulder that was a big black dragon. His grandfather was Indiana jones, and so he also wore his grandfather's fedora hat. (He doesn't have to wear a Juuban school uniform, he was too cool for that) He had short black hair and really blue eyes that were stormy eyes, and all the girls loved the stormy way his eyes looked. During class Travis got to sit in the middle of all the Scouts, and every time the teacher called on him, he got all the right answers. He even tied Ami for the top scores on a pop quiz they had in "obscure history of countries containing the letter 'y' in their name". By the end of the day all the girls wanted to give him their phome numbers, but Travis only walked up to Raye and asked her out. Raye blushed and said yes, and the Scouts all agreed she was lucky to have a guy as cool as Travis. They all started walking to the Crown Arcade to have ice cream and shakes. "Hey look, it's Uranus and Neptune!" Minako said, waving to theur Outer Scouts friends: Celia and her tall blonde cousin Olivia. Setsuna and Hotaru were also with them. Hotaru was grown up by now and was seeing a guy named Justin she'd met on the Internet. He was also a transfer student, from Australia, and he was a friend of Travis. He had blonde hair and a lot muscles from weight-lifting. He was also really smart abd popular with the girls, but he loved Hotaru most of all. They all went to Crown and ate lots, and Raye and Usagi fought, and Travis had to kiss her to make things all better. As they were walking down the street, a monster suddenly jumped out and attacked htem. The girls all transformed and tried fighting it, but it sprayed a white goo from its mouth and glued then to the lightposts and windows. Even when Tuxedo Kamen showd up, he got hit before he could finish his big speech. It almost got Hotaru but Justin pushed her out of the way and got hit instead. "Justin! Raye! Everyone!" Travis esxclaimed, the only guy left untouched. The monster tried to attack him, but Travis leapt over a car and escaped. Just as he was wondering if he should use all the cool kung-fu moves he learned from his time in the Matrix, the black dragon tattoo on his shoulder came to life and turned into a Jabberwocky. It was his guardian animal, like the cats! "Quick!" the Jabberwocky said to Travis. "Transform into Tuxedo Travis and kick that asshole's ass before he gets you! Here's your wand!" Travis looked at his wand and shouted: "Guaridan Sun Metamorph Power!" He turned into Tuxedo Travis, which amde him ten times more stronger than Tuxedo Mask or even all of the Scouts, even Saturn! He was so powerful! But he didn't hve that crappy tuxedo and white mask and tophate like Darien did. He wore a total black tuxedo with the Chinese mandarin collar and everytring! And he had this spear that he could spin around his head and it could punch through anything it touched. But before he could, the yoma attacked him and swung at him with its claws. Tuxedo Travis tried to move aside, but his sleeve was cut apart and it drew blood. "Tuxedo Travis!" the Scouts all cried, and Raye almost started crying. That didn't stop him, though. Tuxedo Travis threw his spear at the yoma and impaled it into the side of a house. The force of the spear hitting the yoma, and the yoma hitting the house, caved in the wall and the entire house collapsed on the yoma, crushing it to death. It was completely dead!!1 "Got ya, bitch!" Tuxedi Travis said, and then went to help Raye and the others out of their goo. "Oh, Travis, you were so amazing!" Raye said as she wrapped her arms around him. "I love you so much!" "I love you too," Travis said. He was so much in love with her, and it looked like her memories from the past were coming bck too. And thn Usagi's house exploded, and they all went over to this mansion run by Andrew he had won recently from a lottery held by the Crown Arcade. (Andrew was also secretly a Gundam pilot and the new mansion was secretly his base for his way cool Deathscythe Hell Custom Gundam, but even though he didn't want anyone to know that, he still let them stay at his place.) They were shown around the house, losing Minako at one point since she had to take a shower from all the monster goo on her. Andrew's place had a Jacuzzi, an indoor rose garden, a study, a huge library of rare books that made Ami drool, a swimming pool and waterslides, an arcade complete with all the versions of DDR, and his own personal shopping mall. When their tour was done, Andrew had to excuse himself since he had a mission with Heero that he had to complete. They were ging to have to attack an OZ space station and blast their way through hundreds of Leos. So everyone was allowed to flop out and do whatever they wanted. And since their hormones were running so high after the fight, all they wanted to do was each other. Raye grabbed Travis by the wrist and pulled him into their bedroom, giggling about all the cool, kinky sex they were going to have. Just thinking about him nekkid gave her orgasmic rays of sunshine in her stomach! Not wanting to be left out, Makoto threw Ami over her shoulder and carried her off to the Jacuzzi. It didn't matter that they didn't have swimsuits, they were going to skinnydip anyways. They also invited Setsuna along too, and since they had beaten then monster there wasn't much else to do, so Setsuna joined them. Justin and Hotaru had a room of their own, and Olivia and Celia had their own room. (but they didn't do anything in it since they're just cousins, k? Get overself people, SOS is so right!) ********************** A/N: Yay, Sailor Moon! We all lurv you! Bring Stars out onto Cartoon Network or else I'll cry! ********************** That just left Usagi and Darien alone together. Darien smiled. "I love you so much," he said to her. "I love you too, Muffin," Usagi said,. "I could never live without you," Darien told her. "I love you so much my heart might burst and explode all over you in this horrible bloody mess that would never wash out of your beautiful blue sundress." "I don't ever want to leave you," Usagi cried out, holding onto him. Darien then gave her a beautiful ring with a crescent-moon shaped diamond in it. "This will bind us together forever," he told her. "Marry me, Usagi. And then we can have Chibiusa." And so they kissed passionately. Their clothes came off and they had hot wild monkey sex. Darien looked deep into Usagi's eyes as he took her, and then just after they orgasmed, they saw Luna sitting in the corner, looking forlorn. So they decided to let her enjoy some of the fun, and then they called Minkao and Artemis and Oscar, who all came over and they had hot wild money orgies. Only without the monkeys. But there were still cats involved. And hermaphrodites. What's important is how everything has to end with sex. A/N: Wow! so like that was the fic and evrything, pls write me back about what you think. My email addie is: omgwtfbbq@deargodmakethehurtingstop.com ** ** OFFICIAL DISCLAIMER: If you've survived reading this, then you have garnered my utmost respect and earned my sincerest pity. And if you haven't gouged your eyes out yet, you're probably asking yourself, "What the hell possessed you to write something like that?!" The answer is that the Bitch made me do it. The Fic Bitch, more specifically. She asked pretty please with strawberries on top if I could try, for once, to write some absolutely horrid dreck that might resemble an SM fanfic. So I did. Incidentally, you have no idea how hard it is to misspell words when the computer spellchecker immediately tries to correct the spelling. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower and cleanse myself of this fic. I feel dirty…. For the love of all that is holy and fansubbed, do NOT send fanmail for this fic to: hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com And now, for my next trick, I'm going to co-write a Sailormoon songfic with Princess Destiny entitled "Angst: Lots of It," using a Savage Garden song.