The Gender Swap!

For the random gender swapper, we're going to look at Tuxedo Kamen No More! Sailor Earth Makes the Scene!! by Shell Presto!

First of all, you have no excuse for not knowing what you're getting into if you look at the title of this fic.And while I give the author props for attempting to mimic the naming pattern of the anime, it is not worth enough props for those two exclamation points.

Secondly, this fic has no actual sex in it. It IS, however, located in the secret, hidden hentai section of ASMR which is good enough for me. And frankly, just because it doesn't have any actual sex in it, doesn't mean that there isn't enough other freaky stuff to counteract it all.

The time? Sometime during season S. Our fic opens on our daring heroes as they do their damndest to kick some youma ass. We learn this from Tuxedo Kamen's point of view as he watches the battle. Thank you, Tuxedo Kamen-sama for watching an entire battle and doing absolutely nothing to help if you can't avoid it. He seems kind of bored, actually.

It was your usual battle. The Senshi fought, he watched. Their performance faltered, he threw a rose. He could have easily defeated the enemy himself, but this was preparation for the war ahead. They needed the practice.

And instead of practicing in a controlled environment where no one can potentially die, Mamoru is of the opinion that they should practice with the Daimons. Sure. Also, someone here is greatly over-estimating the powers of pointy flowers. Defeat the Daimon easily with what? Flowers aren't the world's best weapons and while he's flung them fairly effectively on occasion, having aim that accurate is hard work! Not to mention the waiting for the perfect shot... And that's not even taking into consideration oddities of Daimon physiology. I mean, who knows where the heart is, anyway? It could be in the damn Daimon's ass for all anyone knows. I bet Tuxie would get all sorts of embarrassed as he aimed the Pointy Flower of Doom into the thing's heart only to discover that the heart was in the monster's right bicep. If it even has one.

Erm, yes. And now, back on topic.

And so, the sailor senshi kill the Daimon and Tuxedo Kamen proves what an excellent, kind, caring, and loving boyfriend he is by congratulating his lady love and promptly getting the Hell out of Dodge. Unfortunately, tonight's attack is a twofer and as the girls are having their usual "Let us chastise Usagi" session another daimon attacks! GASP! NO!

Energy crackled around them, and they were in the battle suits of the Sailor Senshi. Well, they had shorter skirts and more manuverable outfits. They were cute, too, so..... It counts. The monster landed. Now visible, it appeared plant like, muscular green body, red petal in place of hair, it was indistinguisable as to whether it was a male or female. It didn't matter, though, soon enough it would be moon dust.

Usagi: "Hello Daimon! Do you like our battle outfits? They're cute, stylish, and let you see our panties, you androgynous Daimon, you!"

I like how the daimon is an androgynous flower. See, flowers are the reproductive organs of plants, and, hey! They contain both male and female parts! OMG, is the author being symbolic? Oooh.

Furthermore, we now learn that this daimon "seed" actually "infected"... one of Tuxedo Kamen's roses. Oh, this can't be good. And it pisses off Tuxedo Kamen because, dammit, those are HIS pointy flowers and he'll be damned if he lets his blossoms be used for EVIL instead of good. Of course, it's hard to fight pointy flowers with... other... pointy flowers, and naturally the daimon takes Mamoru captive. Thus, the reader is shocked to learn that Tuxedo Jackass has a pure heart. For some reason, I always thought that his heart was made out of licorice. Go fig.

As Sailor Moon and her beloved take turns trying to rescue each other, Kaolinite watches them with fascination. Somehow, she learned all about the moon kingdom! (Perhaps she found some secret texts?) She is struck with an amazing idea, maybe Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen won't love each other as much if Tuxedo Kamen were a girl! And so, the daimon, which suddenly turned into a "yoma" changes Mamoru into a girl with the help of some yellow mist that I can't help but think is actually urine.

I mean, really. When YOU think of yellow mists, you think of urine, too. I know you do. Quit trying to lie to me. I can READ YOUR BRAIN THROUGH THE COMPUTER. Technically, it's supposed to be pollen - what with the plant motif - but who ever heard of a mist of pollen, anyway? Whenever I see pollen, it just sorta falls on my car and sticks there for a week.

Nevertheless, Mamoru was turned into a girl and a very pretty girl he is. At this point, the monster, which is a daimon again, starts mocking the girly man and I'm slightly offended by this. The sailor senshi are chicks and they're cool, but no, make Mamo-chump a she...

Erm. Anyway.

Then the new She-Mamo takes a moment to examine herself.

Mamoru's eyes grew wider still, his heart beat rapidly. All action stopped as everyone stared at Mamoru in silence, awestruck by what was seen. A chill wind blew, and Mamoru's chest was frozen, heart and all. He looked down. His chest was wider, rounder, bigger, his nipples more prominent. In a momentary lapse he put his hand in his pocket, and felt nothing familiar. "I... I'm a..." he stuttered, unable to finish.

Mamoru: "Dammit, I'm hot! Time for a little strip-tease!"

Well, needless to say, Mamoru is simultaneously a little pissed off and a lot aroused by him/herself. S/He throws the girliest temper tantrum ever, henshins into Sailor Earth and promptly lays waste to the flower daimon. Of course, he's still a girl. Oops.

Usagi doesn't take this well.

"Mamo-chan!" she wailed as she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and shoulders, lifting his back from the ground. She held him so tight, crying so hard, yet he couldn't figure out why. She wasn't as close as she normally was, his chest was keeping her slightly farther from him. His breasts were. It dawned on him. He didn't change back. She was crying because he was still a girl.

Mamoru then starts to cry, too. It's a regular old senshi sobfest! Because men don't cry but GIRLS SURE DO! And he does it for twenty minutes. No. Really. The fic says so. It says, "It was almost twenty minutes later when they stopped crying, and longer still until they let go of each other."

Oh, God, the stereotyping is eating my brain. I mean, sheesh, they're acting like somebody died.

Oh, wait. Someone did. Mamoru's penis. I think Mamoru named him Bob. Let's all take a minute to mourn for Bob: Mamoru's penis. Guys, feel free to give yours a good tug in memoriam.




Everyone done?


Actually, I dunno about anyone else, but if I found my gender suddenly magically changed for no apparent reason, I wouldn't consider it devastating. I would probably laugh hysterically. For, God, a really fucking long time. I mean, you switch gender! Hilarious hijinks HAVE to ensue, right? Right?

Bah. Whatever.

But the other senshi? Oh, they're just devastated. The best anyone can muster is a, "Here's your shoe," from Mako-chan. REAL supportive, guys. At least tease him about his rack or something. Something that says you care yet this is really fucking hilarious.

Anyway, Mamoru walks home alone and then takes stock of his situation.

Now that he had the time to think about it, he noticed all the slight changes. His hands were smaller, pants tighter, not around his waist, but around his hips. He had retained his height, though his shoulders were much more narrow, causing his jacket to slide down one arm. Between his legs he felt wet and cold, making him wonder if he lost control of his bladder when he passed out. He felt ashamed, though he couldn't be more embarassed than he was now anyway. His stomach hurt as well.

Take note of that last part. That's important.

ANYWAY, upon returning to his apartment, it turns out that he can't get in because, rather conveniently for us, a string of recent robberies had caused Mamoru's apartment complex to hire security. Suddenly, he can't go to his home because dammit, the apartment is rented to a boy and HE IS A GIRL. UH OH. So, he goes to Usagi's house for a sleepover! :-D

You know, this is a lot of nothing going on to get to a place where there could be porn. I'm just saying. Did we need to go through with this whole rigamarole? Wouldn't it just be easier if he had gone home with Usagi in the first place?

Or, ooh, better, what if the girls declared a slumber party at Rei's or Mako-chan's place? Then you get an all-female sex orgy. Can't go wrong there.

"Mamo-chan..." she murmured. Then her head shot up and she was smiling again. "I know! My parents and brother are out at my aunt's, why don't you sleep over!"

"U.. Usako?!?!" he stammered out in absolute shock.

She could tell by the look on his face that he didn't quite grasp the situation. "Mamo-chan," she giggled slightly. "It's not like that." She couldn't help but enjoy the lost expression on his face, wide eyed and almost blushing. "You're a girl, remember?"

Usagi: "OMG! You are a girl and therefore I do not love you, anymore! I would never have TEH GAY SEX! You're only my soulmate when you are a BOI!"

He agreed. He only loves her when he's a boi, too. Go figure.

So they arrive at her place and fail to have sex. They fail to have sex because he proceeds to pee himself.

Okay, this is just getting weird now. I'm sorry.

So he goes upstairs to the bathroom and tries to use the toilet when Mamoru discovers a minor problem. Remember what I told you all to remember earlier abut feeling wet down there and his stomach hurting? Well, THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S ON HIS PERIOD!

Of course, this doesn't occur to him right away and he believes he's dying. No, no. Usagi just has to explain that he's started on his monthly cycle and congratulations because he is now a woman.

This is, apparently, hot, as Usagi's next impulse, BEFORE she tries to find him a pad is to give him snuggles.

Usagi is freaky and weird.

She gets him some midol and wishes on a star that her boyfriend were her BOYfriend once more while Mamoru PUTS HIS BLOODY PANTS BACK ON.

And THEN is when he asks for a pad.

Of course, Usagi doesn't HAVE a pad. Usagi has TAMPONS. And Mamoru has, apparently, lived a very sheltered life free of commercials for feminine things as he has NO idea what it is that he's looking at. Needless to say, he doesn't know how to use it, either.

Hell, it's worse than that. According to Mamoru...

"But...." he protested. "I don't even know where THAT IS!"

Oh, Mamo-chan. I feel so bad for you.

Anyway, this proceeds to reach the territory of insulting and humiliating as Mamoru begins waxing philosophical on diapers vs pads and the humiliation of the tampon. Oh, PLEASE. Mamo-chan, you are whinier than my LJ. Oh well, best to just get it over with and insert the sucker.

"Mamoru decided he would stare at the wall and refuse to look down. Slowly, he let his hand slide between his legs, and he touched his new genitalia," AND IT TURNED HIM ON! Which freaked him out.

You see what I meant when I said that there was no actual porn in this fic but it was close enough? Oh, sure, nothing is actually SEX but for god's sake, here he is touching his own genitalia! It's like it's a porn that's trying not to be a porn so it does porny things under innocent enough circumstances but is hidden with the porn just in case. Or something. I don't really know. I just know that this fic makes me feel dirty.

So he puts in his tampon but it hurts him. Usagi explains that this is because it isn't in the right way; he should go back to the bathroom and she'll be up in a minute. She then offers to SHOW HIM HOW TO USE IT. He says no because when he sees her privates it should be special.

This causes Usagi to realize that she really loves her Mamo-chan but if Mamo-chan's a girl, THAT MAKES HER A LESBIAN! OH NOES! She does what any newly realized bisexual does and goes into immediate denial. And actually cries, "But I don't WANT to be a lesbian!" And the gay right's movement takes several steps backwards. Then there's some stuff about Mamoru taking a bath and taking stock of his body and realizing that he is damn hot.

And then the fic stops. THANK GOD.

It's obvious that more was planned. What I suspect is that Usagi would've come to terms with her lesbianism and there would've been hot sex so that Usagi could SHOW Mamoru how much she doesn't care about his gender and then he would've been a boy again so Usagi could laugh later on all about that crazy time Mamo-chan turned into a girl and she was briefly gay thus undoing any character development either of them had picked up over the course of the fic.