THE WORST EPIC EVER WRITTEN... THAT WAS NOT WRITTEN BY OSCAR
Sadly, I had completely forgotten about this fic when I first put up my Great Hall. To my surprise, slightly less than a year later, Lord Chaos reintroduced it to me. I still haven't decided if I should thank him or hit him with it.
Since I really can't top what he has to say...
His lordship Chaos here. ^^v
Well, another year has come and gone, and like many other years past, it offered us a whole lot of fromage-infested fanfiction. And like many an otaku, I enjoy such a fic on the same level as I enjoy being eaten alive by the flesh-eating virus.
I have a new victim--er, contendor, Oh Bitch Who Must Be Worshipped, to stand before the firing squad. And the funny thing is this isn't an altogether new fanfic. As far as I can recall, it's been a shadowy scurge of the SM world for perhaps 3-4 years. Yet only recently did a friend of mine remind me of the total absurdity that is "Revolutionary Girl Sailorsaturn."
If this does not overturn The Great Hall O' Crap's "Spin the Bottle" as the worst non-Oscar epic of all, then it'll certainly be a close runner-up. Of course, that's still no reason to encourage the prolonged existence of either of these two evils.
Written by Gillian von Kármann, "Revolutionary Girl Sailorsaturn" is a horribly mangled cornucopia of crap that should be properly experienced on its own homepage:
Yes, there's a zipped file of it on the ASMR, but the webpage features...colour-coding!!
Yes, glorious full-coloured coding! Gone are those useless quotation marks and references as to which Senshi is saying what. Instead we have sentences and paragraphs colour-coded to each Senshi! It's a veritable rainbow of ridiculousness!
Is it because the title of the fic itself is a cheap rip-off of "Revolutionary Girl Utena"?
Is it because this fic boasts Synchronization Rates of 400% and higher?
Is it because of the rampant breeding of question marks and exclamation marks at the end of most sentences?
Is it because this fic sees more Caps Locks than a Microsoft keyboard manufacturing plant?
Is it because of the gripping and action-packed dialogue that sounds like rejected scripts from a soap opera?
Is it because a number of the sentences have only question marks and exclamation marks, making this fic look like a cheap rip-off of any Japanese renai dating sim?
Is it because not only do the tenses switch, but also the narration from 3rd person universal to 1st person introspective at the slightest hint of multi-orgasmic sunshine in Rei's stomach?
Is it because of the absurd levels of out-of-character swearing? (Hell no, dammit!)
Is it because this fic claims to smell like ABSOLUTE INSANITY! (As opposed to smelling like teen spirit)
So, already we see that the structure and grammar has contributed a lot to this fic...similar to how fleas and contributed to the Black Plague. Had enough, have you? But wait, there's more! What else makes this fic so revolutionary and intriguing?
Is it because Saturn turns evil and is bent on world domination after discovering she was nothing more than an unloved doomsday weapon the Moon Palace of old sent forth to wipe out enemies? Or is it simply because in the past she was never invited to any of the palace's cocktail parties? (The world may never know)
Is it because Hotaru and Rei are the happiest, homicidal lesbian lovers the planet has ever seen?
Is it because of the fic's many attractive international vistas like the cold and frigid wastelands of Antarctica, where Saturn displays her newest attack: Selective Steam Shell?
Is it because, based on the Senshi journal entries (Date 00001.3 to be exact), that this fic has in fact seen the dawning of the age of Aquarius?
Is it because the hideously offensive word "God" has been replaced with the more politically correct term, "G*d"?
Is it because Rei turns Usagi into her lovetoy/footstool?
Is it because this time around, the logistics of Pluto and the Space-Time continuum really make absolutely no sense whatsoever?!
Is it because Rei starts coming on to her father like a dirty old bitch, using him only for sex and getting impregnated before incinerating him?
Is it because Saturn and Mars kill all those pesky things we all hate anyways--Chibiusa, Mamo-chump, decency, the Mau cats, and intelligible plot?
Is it because the newest level of powering up doesn't result in an eternal Senshi mode, but an "Extreme" one, as in...(insert extreme henshin action here) EXTREME SAILOR SATURN!!! EXTREME SAILOR MERCURY!!! EXTREME WHUPTEFUCK!!!
Is it because Ami is irresistibly attracted to the homicidal psychopathic charms of Hotaru, and has a sex scene that reads with all the passion and bland "did she really use *that* word?" descriptiveness of a Grey's Anatomy textbook?
Is it because Saturn is about to rebuild the glory of Atlantis, a sunken continent whose significance is never explained in the fic?
Is it because Saturn has the subjugated world start to build spaceships to fight against some warring alien race that only shows up in the last chapter and even then is barely mentioned?
Is it because Ami wants to break free of the veiled The Prisoner gags, and go from being Saturn's Number 2 to Number 1...or Number 6? Or maybe she wants the coveted position of Number 51, currently held by Svetlana?
Is it because later sections of the fic read like the technical notes of a starship battle written by a Trekkie who had too much time and too little a life on his hands?
Is it because countries have now been renamed to sound like computer files, such as U_S_A.tmp, or Japan.tmp, or WTF.tmp?
Is it because all the female characters have this Turrets Syndrome tendecy to scream "My cunt!" repeatedly? Or are they exclaiming "My cunt!" so many times because of their implanted bionic uteruses? (No, I'm NOT making this up, people!)
And last but certainly not least, is it because at the very end the author adds this disclaimer: "I am not an average American citizen and I am very proud of this; I mean, I do not have to ask the White House for special permission to think on my own."
Fic Bitch, if you've survived the Email itself this far without wanting to kill the messenger (that being me), I congradulate you. And just think, this is just a basic synopsis of the fic and all its inadequacies. ^^v
So I invite you to check it out and see if this really deserves to overthrow "Spin the Bottle". And if you want, you're also invited to use this Email as a summary in one way or another to properly give "Revolutionary Girl Sailorsaturn" the lambasting it truly deserves.
And just because you didn't ask for it...actual quotes from the fic!!
"Mercury!, you *are* ejaculating! It is so... beautiful!..."
["Oh no! Hotaru! You too? You've been bitten by the truth bug, too! Oh my cunt!, not that pain in my soul again, and not in *this* way, please! Why the fuck I might not be blessed with the kindness of ignorance, the bliss of unconsciousness? It looks like this is the day I'll be finally captured by my fucky destiny... SHIT!"]
First of all I must be loyal to my true self, and my true self has been telling me this: "FUCK SAILORMOON!"
and Saturn just turned up her Purple Plasma Stream.
► COLD FIRE NOW!
► PLASMA STREAM! — MARS, YOU BITCH!
► I'M JUST A MIRROR!
► Let me think a little... If the absolute zero is possible, but also "impossible",... Well, if an object should be 'absolute-zeroed', then it should *disappear* from the known Universe — am I correct?
► EXCELLENT! Essentially, yes. Actually, it will be sent to an energyless space-time structure that he named "time-basement"...
► "Time-basement"? What a name!
... truly, dad, you're the only man that I would give my cunt to.
► My legs! — YOU CRAZY BITCH!, YOU FROZE MY LEGS!
(Chaos' note: incidentally, this is Sailor Mars using the ice-based attack here.)
\\ [Extreme Sailormercury's Log —
Aquarius Date 00019.1
My Saturn... she is great, great, great! She gave me my *beauty*! Her finest technosorcery enlarged my breasts, lengthened my hair, and gave me a truly beautiful face! Thank you so much — my Empress! I love you even more!
\\ [End of Entry]
|Ami| It smells of a mixture of acetylene *and* ozone... It *is* ozone!
|Venus| Mercury!, you daughter of an encyclopaedia, do you think this is a circus? They are about to destroy all of us but you still behave like Mizuno Ami the student! *AIN'T YOU REALLY GOING INSANE*?
|Ami| I accepted to have a bionic replacement. Less then forty minutes were all the time she needed to remove my organic womb and put an equivalent bionic device between my oviducts and my vagina.
"As you wish. — You have 321 days to give me 100,000 battle ships at least."
"I will give you at least 200,000 battle ships within 150 days."
|Ami| It's an ectopical pregnancy. The embryo is about to tear your left oviduct and to produce an internal haemorrhage.
Mars, your bionic womb *was* working perfectly. It would never let you be impregnated by your father — unless you wanted otherwise.
you are also the first child of the Extreme Generation, and thus you effectively are "daughter" to no one, because you are being raised by *every* Senshi.
Fuck! What are you trying to say? That you did *not* wash my brain?
Yes, thank you, Lord Chaos.